I am tired of being tired.
This is a measure of time that is known among Black people. We experience this moment during different periods of our lives. It can be brought on by personal circumstances or by outside forces that we have no control over in the way that our lives are affected.
When this kind of tired settles on the mind it is due to an excessive repetition of events that are racially or sexually motivated to negatively impact our lives directly and indirectly.
I started 2016 feeling tired from the beginning of the year all the way to the end. There were intervals of peace and calmness that always seemed to be measured out in a New York minute. Being tired time is beyond the measure of C.P. time in terms of how long and slow it moves into the next moment.
My goal is to try and reverse the trend in my personal life.
I have always had mixed feelings about being a Black American.
There has never been a decade where my citizenship has felt totally comfortable to me. The source of my discomfort has come from having to constantly defend my rights as a citizen and continue to demand that more equality is given to my humanity.
This past year of violent events opened up a portion of my memories that were planted inside of my mind during my childhood years when the peaceful protest was met with violence and racially motivated hatred. The sadness that comes from watching someone who is being victimized flooded inside of me. The anger rose to tsunami levels over the fact that not one of us is truly safe even now. There is no formula to ensure that will be the case on any given day of our lives.
Whenever this feeling has crept up on me, I recognize that it is my body telling me to take a step back for a moment because the load has reached the point where it is no longer being managed by me, but by the situation. I have not always retreated in a timely manner. There is a cost for being stubborn in the area of self-care that can be far more costly than anyone should have to pay. I am not willing to make the sacrifices that come from self-neglect. It is a wise woman that knows her limitations and is willing to respect those boundaries.
It is going to be necessary to limit the amount of exposure that I receive in regards to the acts of the new regime. I am trying to reduce the amounts of WTFs and Oh hell nos, in my vocabulary and thoughts. Trust when I tell you that it is not easy at this particular moment. It has already reached the point where it seems like there is yet another layer of chaos unfolding practically every hour of the day.
The best reduction solution that I know is to focus on one or two issues of major importance to me. Identify what needs to happen to progress forward and do the work to move things forward. It is better to harness up the negative energy and put it to use in this manner. Producing alternatives is a form of resistance that I feel is far more inclined to be engaged in than stewing in anger over what is happening.
The question that I have to answer is where do I fit in as an older Black woman in a movement that is still practicing ageism in spite of its progressive stances?